12.18.05

in the strange state of limbo that always bridges school and home. i started out this morning taking my cumulative neuro final and marvelling at how tiny the professor is. i was continually confounded by how closed everything in the union was. i packed and i said goodbye to everyone. i gave karina the bead i bought in cambridge august before last, saving for a special time. i bought it with dillon. after i bought it, we sat on the steps of a starbucks drinking chai lattes and waiting for renee and omar to go to a restaurant.

upon arriving home i managed to open one of my recommendations. wasn't thinking. worried about what's going to happen now. the worst case scenario is that i'll have to somehow get a new envelope, but the last thing i needed was to rock my own boat on the stability of this graduate applications business.

that mistake compounded with being home at this time of year has created an unsettling sense of dread. the light and air are just exactly as they were when jon was in the hospital a year ago. i keep looking for reassurance that he isn't there now. (he's not. he's studying for his philosophy final.)

and then i watched the age of innocence with mom and became convinced that my life was doomed to pointless unhappiness, too. (it's not. i don't know what it's doing, but it's probably not pointless unhappiness.)

i am starting to wonder if i shouldn't be thinking of moving to davis square. i had a beer with eric last night in lieu of studying for my neuro final. it turns out he's moving there during break to go to pre-med school and be closer to erin. he'll be very near mike ngo. now, it turns out that the random guy from south station (who, it turns out, was actually the third-degree cause of this also lives right around there, in medford, probably about a mile from mike or something ridiculous like that.

clearly, all signs point to medford. or davis square, which i think i prefer due to the christmas lights they tend to have strung up across their streets.

i still think i'm moving to western mass. (but not, really, any more than i think of anything else happening.)

walking, tea, making stressful phone calls, and writing personal statements for tomorrow. making a cake, likely. reading vogue.

in other news, today is the sixth anniversary of this journal. six years. moer than half a decade.

everything could be a whole lot worse.