10.18.04

a second instance of an event establishes patterns of behavior; you can't have a pattern without at least two constituent entities.

the second time was different. we got more comfortable with each other. we moved closer. it was easier to imagine his presence as part of everyday life rather than as an isolated, special event.

this means that when he left, it was harder. it's still harder. the next time i'll see him remains undefined; against all logistical obstacles (and, i would argue, logic), it still seems like i'm going to see him soon.

there is a feeling that this is a temporary state of affairs. in the vague but certain future there's a time where he physically fulfills the constancy of his presence in my consciousness. there's no attached concept of form the fulfillment will take; it's just the assumed state of affairs at some point down the line.

i'm stressed (more than the usual) but coping well. booking flights to scotland: an exercise in getting it done faster than i should. big money dropped fast. suddenly, i'm going over there very soon for what is actually a very long time.

it had to hit me sooner or later.