11.15.05

once again, everything is different. for the first time since i've had this journal, updating has been hard. it's hard for some of the same reasons that starting my work is suddenly hard this semester. it's distraction. i spend a lot of time not moving, just sitting and thinking, going over and over what's going to happen next in my head. other times, i sit, not moving, and go out of my way to not think. i do this by playing addicting online games. slowly, i'm getting tired of doing this, and the impulses are starting to make me feel a little nauseous. i want to burst out of this space. i take it as a good sign.

updating isn't a compulsion like it used to be because none of my thoughts feel new. they're the same ones, over and over.

in an effort to combat what is very much a problem, some things:

driving around with eric in various vehicles, some high up and some low to the ground. coastal maine roads at night, something i haven't seen for at least a year. talking quickly, articulately, with lots of agreement. studio 188 in the west end of portland, chock full of stylish young thirty-somethings eating good things. a bottle of wine, some spinach, and a coffee later i was happy. eric wears sweaters. life comes back quickly once i walk outside of this place.

multiple trips up to the roof of coles tower, the first one most notable. 360 degrees of unimpeded view, the highest thing for miles and miles. clean air. the ocean, the naval air station, some mountains off to the northwest. alec berryman and adam were there and we still didn't figure out what was wrong with the transmitter. the second trip today, filled with less alec and adam and more painfully geriatric security guard (i tried to help him and somehow indicate that it was ok that i was helping him) and bob perry's black leather cowboy boots. some problems solved. the guys from tech support like to come over and look at the transmitter.

drifting in and out of people's lives, most notably into maggie's and out of sarah's. no one has any time and relationships are everywhere but hard to fill with substance. kevin and eli are still the most solid thing going.

two days ago i took my psych subject GRE. the room was cold and i finished with one minute to spare. i've never had so much riding on a test. i hope i don't have to take it again; that would require flexibility.

i want people to be astonishingly nice to me. i want presents (without awkwardness) and far more positive reinforcement than i'm getting.

doing my work is both necessary and empty. much harder to do than before as a result. getting things done for day-before or day-of rather than weeks in advance like in the past. everything feels a little off kilter because of it.

jon is successfully rejoining wesleyan life. sometimes i worry that he'll get bored of me and leave; most of the time, i don't.

my crown of thorns spent two months turning generally brown and dropping all its leaves down into my heater, making me worry about fires. it's stabilized now, looking a bit bare but otherwise green. it's made four babies that have sprouted in the bottom of the pot; one of them's just put out its second tier of leaves. it's a relief everytime i look at it.

i continually take the same picture of the view outside my window because it is continually beautiful.

when some people are in unstable periods of transition, they join cults. i fixate on buying new boots.