1.17.05

everything is still pretty much terrible. still can't cook any food in my horribly dirty kitchen, still can't find anyone i like, still don't feel at home anywhere at all. still spend all my waking moments in a very particular hell of worrying and wondering about jon. more and more i find that i'm going to bed earlier and sleeping later in an effort to pass the time. that's the hardest thing to realize right now: time will, in fact, pass. the amount i have to get through is still too painful to wrap my brain around. once it's february things might seem a little more feasible. here's to hoping.

i spend each day moving through minutes. i look forward to lectures because i can just zone out and take notes; the mindset is familiar and makes time pass. mondays in particular seem to fly.

at the outset of junior year i had a feeling it would be a year of hardship. as yet, it's been nothing but. the promised land of summer does not exist for me right now; if i can make it there, things might be alright.

i need something to be alright.