12.16.04

jon is not going to scotland.

i've never felt like this. i do not know how to cope.

i am sick with worry. i only know what happened through alec. we always predicted that.

the advent of this gaping hole has accomplished what scotland was supposed to: it's shown me how embedded he is in my life. it has also effectively removed him from my life. i cannot actually fathom that concept.

scotland was supposed to be the first time i was comfortable and happy in years. now, it is another obstacle to overcome. exhausting. empty.

this is unfair. this is shakespearean. this cannot be final.

i want him to be ok. i hope someone is with him. i hope he isn't too scared.

he's asleep right now.

i haven't cried this hard since jen died.