1.22.07

the last entry ended abruptly with the arrival of luke and mike. while they were here, there was conversation with mike while luke drunkenly flopped around and then, eventually, passed out. the next morning, they left in the time-honored yarmouth manner: edgy, subdued, furtive.

that, really, is just a coda. it stopped being a focus about two weeks ago.

since, things have happened. drinking tea and eating oreos with annie in rachel, catching crumbs before they fell on the floor. rachel's rickety chair and apartment-in-progress. savoring the remaining episodes of ballykissangel. dinner with james and emily, a not-too-frequent but astonishingly warm and comforting event. maybe it's the candles. going out with danielle and her friend jess for a highly unsatisfactory evening. losing my cell phone. searching for apartments, not being able to take one. discovering the herbal tea place halfway down the hill. spanish pork stew at ladle with emily johnson, complete with good eye contact and nourishing presents (fig anise bread from standard). anticipating slovakia. going to the gym. having my perspective validated at work during lunch at federal spice. drinking quickly-chilling tea at erica's house, her husband doing deep-breathing exercises with his new-agey sister in the back room.

nursing the burgeoning need to write a fantasy novel, not examining it too closely for fear it'll disappear. suspecting that such a career is the one where i'd be most content. it won't happen naturally. it will take systematic effort, the kind i'm not generally good at initiating.

wanting to learn russian. haven't opened the textbook i bought yet. wanting to put things on ebay. wanting to make beads. wanting to write letters.

so far, succeeding only in making dinner and, sometimes, doing laundry. these things are hard enough.