12.27.04

in the midst of the jon-related events i managed to completely miss the five year anniversary of this journal. the nineteenth. five entire years. people and places. and poor dillon, immortalized as being avoided at the beginning of it all. i no longer make effort to avoid him; in fact, i have been known to actively seek him out.

this momentous event slipped under my radar as i myself slipped into a sea of sickness and worry. i got disconnected from my previous life and moved into new territory. time passed, jon got better, and perspective was gained. i've pretty much come to terms with being in scotland alone by now and am not altogether pessimistic. i have no expectations and i am looking forward to cooking. it could turn out alright.

the ordeal has demonstrated, more than anything, how important jon is. he is the most important thing there is; it surprised me. it surprised me i was surprised. i'm usually more aware of these things.

the past two weeks have been, in a word, bad. what amounts to a peculiar stay in hell was punctuated by stabilizing visits with cam and margaret and fred. the world wasn't lost the entire time, just most of it. the days are encapsulated, now, as a passed phase. new things are going on now; everything feels different. i am hopeful, scared, and entirely unsure how anything will play out.

when i think of scotland, i think of waiting in newark, the meadows in edinburgh across the street from my flat, a small, tinny kitchen, and me in my bed, under covers in a dark, windowless room talking to jon on the phone. all at once.

who knows what will be true.