1.30.06

karina leaves for holland tomorrow. she's in new york right now, having already moved into an apartment there that's different from the one i saw her in. her leaving is a bigger deal for me than i expected it to be. i think she wishes i'd quit wanting her to be nerved up about it, since, being karina, she's apparently unaffected by the whole event. i, on the other hand, am worrying in her stead.

but she's going to holland and there's no one to drink tea and watch movies with this semester. there's only so much drinking and yelling about sex to be done on a given weekend. once again it's time to leave bowdoin and go somewhere where i've got an option to do something else. over the years this feeling has gone from ragingly pressured to the current mild drone. the end is near.

i'm only taking three classes this semester and i've ended up with no campus job beyond whatever shifts at the library i can motivate myself to cover (realistically, these will be limited). i have more time than i've ever had at bowdoin and i want more things to do in it.

my relationship with the radio station has improved slightly. starting this semester went a lot smoother than the last one. since it's the last round, i'm sensing i might get some enjoyment out of it. the people are good and it's familiar and warm in there.

jon is currently ambiguous though only on a surface level. it is actually impossible to imagine him being gone on all levels. for now, though, i'm solidly in bowdoin world and he's entrenching himself at wesleyan, both of us having to work to come up for air. there's very little crossover. it's an uncomfortable feeling that gives me bad dreams and a strong sense of desolation (a stronger sense than someone who's been in a relationship for a year and a half should have, anyway). something will happen next. it might be good.

i'm taking two religion classes and one psych class. one of the religions is a holt, mahayana buddhism. this, at least, is the way life should be.