1.31.05

it is the last day of january. two weeks ago, i didn't think i'd make it to this point. tomorrow is february; then, i will be officially one fifth of the way through my study abroad experience. it's very strange to be on my way to being done while bowdoin is just beginning. i think i've only got six weeks of classes left. granted, six weeks of finals lie in wait after that point, but i am expecting to be perfectly capable of handling three tests in six weeks no matter how hard they are.

this ordeal has demonstrated to me how capable i am. i am very capable. even i, in my constant wariness of overstating my own abilities, can't deny it. it's almost a comforting feeling; on the one hand, i have reassurance that i am capable of handling anything the universe throws at me. on the other hand, i am still the one producing the energy fueling that capability. i wonder if i'll ever run out, but so far it doesn't feel like it.

i was walking back from my shamanism course with a girl named sivakami tonight. she is thin, white, with wavy brown hair that stays close to her head. she gives me good advice on phone cards and tells me about her boyfriend who lives in barcelona but is african. apropos of nothing, she asked me why i was "so ambitious." i'd been telling her about my plans for this summer and, upon her asking, about what i did last summer.

i've never thought of myself as ambitious. i don't believe i am. i don't, after all, have an ambition. i don't want to be rich, famous, a published author, anything. i wouldn't mind some of those things, to be sure, but none of them motivate my actions. she isn't the first person to ask me why it is i do the things i do. i don't have answers for anyone; it's just how i do things.

upon reflection, some of it is rather impressive.