2.10.06

thinking about recording the upheaval of the past few days for posterity is upsetting enough for me to immediately begin looking for photos of glencoe on flickr. this is telling. despite the difficulties woven through my time in scotland, sitting on the train moving through glencoe was and remains the simplest, most peaceful time i've ever had. to say i dreaded the train arriving in glasgow on the way back from the highlands is strong, but i never looked forward to it. riding the trains in those mostly-empty cars through the moors and mountains was the most alone i'd ever been, and, from a certain perspective that is isolated from the rest of time, the best off i've been yet.

i'd like to be in the highlands now. i'd like to be in the empty space just above crianlarich or at the foot of one of the hills on the back side of everything where hillwalkers never go.

i'm not. instead, i am doing several things: trying to get into grad school (this primarily involves hoping at this point). dealing with the fafsa. trying to get wbor relicensed. trying to get the djs to stop swearing on air. doing everything the fcc regulations attorney tells me to do. making adam stay up all night doing everything the attorney tells me to do, too. doing schoolwork, being amazed it's still around to be done after all these years. making friends with frances killea (i like the way she walks). reformulating my relationship with jon after a year and a half. in doing so, the relationship his disappeared, leaving nothing but a friendship and a shred of hope for the future.

this last bit, of course, is the kicker.

i hope we do it right.

though it is true that the universe is not a fair place, i would say that the law of averages owes me one or three about now.