3.12.05

the last few days have not been good. i've been walking around on the verge of tears for too long. navigating my way through tesco, buying apples from the rough-fingered indian man, sitting in the computer lab, walking through the courtyard of new college all on the verge of tears. i don't remember the last time i felt like this for so long. i can't pinpoint the cause. bad things piling on top of each other, no solution in sight.

if i was home, this could be solved. i could read on the red couch, drink wine with mom while making dinner, and watch a movie with my parents. the time would pass well spent. i would wake up the next morning and things would be different.

here, i have no such options. can't watch a movie: no computer or tv. can't read during the day: too depressing and uncomfortable. can't even drink wine: they don't have resealers here, apparently due to the cultural improbability of leaving a bottle of any alcohol unifnished. this thought, of course, underlines the fact that i am alone. i am left with the option of remaining lodged in my melancholy, painfully bumping into cheerful flatmates who very much want me to get roaringly drunk with them. alienation of the highest order, the kind that penetrates an inner sanctum, ensues.

i quit. there should be a way out of this. i'm going to the art store to buy overpriced watercolor paper; then, i'm going to blackwell's to buy a jane austen novel. i'm checking out.

tomorrow, hopefully, will be different.