3.19.06

i still don't know what's going to happen to me. i'm beginning to be alright with that, for a little while, anyway. being home has helped. it's hard to believe that there's only eight more weeks of bowdoin. all the universal constants are going away.

i haven't been going online very much this break. i'm spending more time reading in bed. i'm taking a break from things and, i think, gearing up to pull through the trials (read: shitstorm) of the coming weeks.

every now and then i get a flash of the idea that things could turn out really well, that what happens next might be something to look forward to. i might meet someone, or have a good job, or have a good space. anything. it's a tantalizing thought. it feels just like thinking about winning the lottery.

another recurrent thought these days: i have had a lot of romance in my life. it's all part of a life passed, but it's there. even if there's never any of that feeling again, i've had what might even be more than my fair share. playing the instances (treasured little vignettes) over in my head doesn't make me wistful or even hopeful. it makes me thankful, which is a little remarkable to me. being thankful is not one of my standard emotions for things related to myself, since being thankful implies recognition of comparative outside entities that i normally don't recognize when wandering around the (sacred) places of myself.

so, i am thankful for some nice things that people have said and done in the past.

besides all these things, i am home for the last time before graduation. i'm drinking tea, taking too many pictures of my cat, watering the plants, and making large cakes. i'm reading books and disappearing for awhile, waiting to see what comes out on the other side. i've been doing this for awhile now.

my birthday is in eleven days. last year, i took my dad's arm as we blearily, happily, crossed an edinburgh street, full of whisky and beer.