3.9.06

in the past week i have both interviewed at and been rejected from grad school. antioch said no. rutgers said no awhile ago, which is fine, because i had no desire to go there.

antioch, on the other hand, would have been nice. i forged good connections to it on the trip there with dad--walking around the cold early march downtown, getting directions from music men and watching keene state students (punker than bowdoin, more converse, chains, and tight jeans) get thai take out on a thursday night. the town was cradled in between hills that almost reminded me of scotland. in my frantic bowdoin state, the isolation appealed to me. right now, i feel i've lost the chance at that glorious isolation, and it's the most upsetting part of this whole ordeal.

i interviewed well. they truly liked me. in individual interviews, i was asked questions like, "you're clearly extremely academically able. i should warn you that you'll be a more motivated, better student than most other participants in the program. do you think that would be a problem for you?" academic credentials were not the problem.

the problem: i am young. i only have a grand total of six months in the trenches. i need to have done more than that to prove to them i can cope with the job. honestly, i was hoping to skip that step. i am me, and i do not like trenches.

now, though, i'm faced with the problem of what step to take next. i can go into the trenches, working some ten dollar an hour clinician-in-training nightshift crisis triage hell position, and reapply in a year or two. or, i can do like bowdoin and try and be a consultant.

neither of these options are appealing. both of the possible lives are terrifyingly empty of goodness as i conceive of them. i don't know how to change my options to make something good happen.

it is good that i'm at home, back in the woods on spring break. the isolation has never been more attractive.