5.11.05

departure in precisely twelve hours. i will walk out of the flat, share a cab with angie down to waverly bridge (because, lovely girl, she insisted on seeing me off), get on the airport bus, get off the airport bus, sit in the airport, get on the plane, get off the plane, sit in another airport, get on the plane, get off the plane, and then, gloriously, sit in a car with jon. i expect to be awake for twenty four solid hours.

it's the strangest feeling. i'm not sad or excited. i'm trying to make memories: the light glancing off the stones of grassmarket this evening, listening to snow patrol while my flatmates get ready to go out.

i'm not sad because i'm going home; it's happy. i'm not excited because i am not precisely going home: i'm instead heading directly into stressful territory. i wish i could just go hole up with jon somewhere for a week without having to be meeting his parents everyday. too many unknowns ahead for pure excitement.

it's strange, too, that i'll be leaving behind these people that i've come to know. make a home, leave it behind. their lives will continue and so will mine. i don't leave phases on my life behind, not entirely; i weave them into the present as much as i can. it's hard to imagine doing that with something that, right now, is so absolutely here. the reality of being here in edinburgh is so undeniable that my brain can't conceive of it as something that, so soon, will exist in the past.

these are some things that i would like to bring home:

avacado prices (80 cents a go on an average day)

smoky bacon crisps

chips with vinegar

old man pubs (the wall sconces at the last drop)

unpasteurized dairy products

BBC Radio 2 (first few months) and BBC Radio Scotland (emphasis here; the last few months)

watching tv with sarah in stirling on thick, blue comforters

curry from the mosque

white leaf writing paper

bread

the light through the slatted blinds in New College Lecture Room 1

(all the stony planes and corners and crannies and chipped paint and flagstones of New College)

something blooming all the time

belhaven

the chinese church

my flatmates and all their accents (tiffany, essex, sophie, london, sophie, manchester, and kelly, california)

waffles and candles and late nights at favorit

british indie pop that is truly pop

walking everywhere, everyday

the george heriot school lit up at night

trains.

i am curious to see what i remember most.

tomorrow i will leave this part of my life and start a new one.

i am indescribably astonished that this is happening.