6.28.05

a new computer, this one with icy blue blinking lights. it's friendly. i'm trying not to associate the flatscreen with work.

i am, in general, trying not to associate things with work. the hospital i work at is one of the largest employers in the state. everyone i see all day long is, to some degree or another, invested in their jobs. i am a cog in an extremely large organizational system. as a result, i feel more pressure than i would if i was a secretary for some small business somewhere. there's protocols for every possible action and i don't know nearly enough of them to float. it's easy to get lost in the job, since i'm surrounded by people in their forties who work constantly. i forget that i am in fact twenty one, that this is a summer job, and, most importantly, that i will be doing nothing even remotely like the for the rest of my life if i have anything to do with it. keeping myself separate from the problems and stresses associated with work is proving to be just as hard this summer as it was a year ago.

i would like to be all done thinking and talking about my job now.

i did not think about my job in connecticut. i drove to portland, rode a bus, then a train. i arrived in new haven where it was muggy and impossible to drive; i saw jon and his dusky red polo shirt with the tiny hole in the arm. the corgis were as flightless as ever, insisting on licking my toes anytime i wore sandals, forcing me to try to surreptitiously dance around them while talking to people in the kitchen. sleeping and reading and watching movies and air conditioning so cold i had to curl up under a blanket even though it was ninety outside. tennis, everywhere.

it was hard, as expected, but not as hard as last time. he made sure i got on the train safely. i miss him. being there, hardships aside, is the correct way for things to be.

i want to be done the job. i want to see my friends. i want to see jon. i want things to be happy.

a few weeks and that, dare i say it, might just be possible.