7.10.05

things are generally hard right now. things have been hard for six months; they show no sign of letting up in the next year. they are going to get harder. my anxiety level is creeping into almost dangerous territory. i don't know if i'll be in any state to handle bowdoin; right now, i can't imagine it.

bowdoin itself isn't what's daunting. life there is lived minute to minute; i don't usually have time for important things like coping or reflection. the things that i do there are obscenely unimportant in comparison to the things that fill my head all day long here and now, in the summer in maine, in life after a semester of glorious isolation on a rock in the middle of the north sea.

i can't believe i was there. climbing the north berwick law with heather, watching her stride out over the bunker, both of us leaning into the wind.

i am worried about the impending clash of the important things and the unimportant things; something is going to suffer. it is likely that both will. this seems like an awfully rickety launch pad to be jumping off of into real life.

i'm worried about having an honest to god, all-out breakdown. a flying apart from the inside all the way out to the edges. my ability to be ok is wearing out.

i hope things are good soon. there's nothing else to be done.