7.28.05

some things are different now than they were before now. not, all in all, very surprising. i don't want to examine the changes too closely for fear they'll disappear.

i've been looking at my pine trees a lot lately, at all different times of day. evening is still the best: gold. i can tell i'm getting older because i keep having urges to manicure the woods; cut a tree down here, there, and there to let more light into the yard. this would never have been acceptable when i was little; as my dad puts it, "we would've been screwing with the wildness." i was a staunch defender of the tree spirits.

i want, very much, to have my own apartment and the ability to decorate it. i am wondering if portland isn't the right place. i want to use my choices well.

tomorrow will be my last day working on the psych ward. my skin will stop breaking out from using peggy's make-up caked phone. i won't see any doctors anymore. i'll work a few more days in administration and at the adolescent center, but they'll be stretched out over weeks. it won't really be my job anymore. that is absolutely fine with me.

i realized last night that i've been reading siobhan's journal for eight years now. i'm beginning to think the trajectories of our writing are the same; she's a few years ahead of me. her life, in my head, is delicious. not a bad mark to leave behind.

right now, i would like to drink tea and write letters all day long. i would do this wearing gorgeous 1940s style cherry red peep toe pumps and an egyptian cotton circle skirt. it's what i've been doing these past few days; it is a very good idea, as things to do go.

strangely, clothing and shoe designs are showing up, fully-formed, in my head again. this hasn't happened for ten years. i don't know how to draw them; i like them. i hope they stick around, or at least come back once i graduate. i have no illusions that they'll make it through bowdoin.

tea. pines. soft cotton. delphinium, stretched out slugs of kitties on granite benches. worrying that jon, now that he's a tiny bit back, doesn't know who i am. thinking about a new haircut. anticipating things. like tea.

i picture ladakh as looking like the scottish moors.