9.3.06

for the first time in a very long time i am fully present in the environments in which i put myself. life is complicated, of course, but it's no longer distracted. the only thing i have to do these days is life. though it isn't entirely here yet, my focus is coming back.

with the renewed focus is coming a lot of thought about maine. i don't really live in maine anymore; instead, i live in portland. there's a very important difference. that makes this the first time i've ever been living an aware, visceral life in a place that isn't where i'm from, but is still familiar (i.e., not scotland). the displacement has given me a clear perspective. while i don't like the disconnect from a place where i feel life is better, it's valuable to see through to the heart of everything here.

there are a few ideas that have fallen into stark relief in the past few months.

first, i've noticed that people who grew up here, in central maine, are more interesting. they do strange things and lead extremely divergent lives. they are intelligent, articulate, inventive, and creative. they're usually fairly blunt, and they all pointedly value where they've come from. all this, i think, is partly a result of parenting and partly a result of the physical environment.

parenting: hardly anyone in the group to whom i'm referring has parents who were born here. everyone's parents chose to live here back in the mid seventies, and, as a result, are self-selected. as a general rule, these transplants were unconventional, intelligent, and valued space. they raised their children accordingly.

the environment: growing up, if you wanted something to happen here in this poor, gorgeous, empty place, you had to make it happen. people got creative. end of story.

the other phenomenon i've started to see is more a heightened sense of place than anything. for certain people (the ones i grew up around), living here is an exercise in finding a way to live your life exactly the way you want to. people compromise as little as possible. social norms vary from town to town and sometimes don't exist at all. everyone is invested in growing things. and everyone, everyone, everyone values the place where they are above nearly all else.

right now, i don't live here. i come back frequently, because i can and because i'm happiest here. the perspective that comes with not living here is, again, valuable, but it comes with a distinct sense of impermanence. i've always been aware of these ideas, but i'm seeing them through a new lens right now. in a number of years, maybe fewer than i think, i'll return, and merge completely into the fabric of life here. the ideas will disappear. that will be the pinnacle of both my achievement and contentment.

knowing this is powerful. it's similar to what i've always thought belief in god must feel like. no assurance is more thrilling, more heady, than that of your own universal truth.